Mayhem in the Chapel
by MYZ-chan
Summary: -KimbleeWinryEnvy- It's strange having two fiancees. It's even stranger marrying them both on the same day. -manga!verse, semi-AU, threesome-


Word count: 3,596

I will admit it. This is, without a doubt, one of the most sappiest, fluffiest, weirdest, nonsensical, romantic stories I have ever dared written. I'm still shuddering from the after affects, oh my God.

Still, I'm kind of happy with it, mostly because I've been aiming to write a wedding story ever since my sister's, and I'm so glad I got this done (by the way, I've only been to a single wedding in my life, so if some details are inaccurate, I'm sorry. However, if you have been to more than one wedding and still remember most of it, can you give me some advice? Nice advice, please, as I always say).

I know that some of the characters are out of character, too. That's what's currently eating me from the inside out too so please, don't rub it in my face. I know what I did, and I'm sorry for the mutilation.

This also takes about four, five years after chapter 93 of the manga, and it is also semi-AU. Meaning, they never met each other before until a few months after this chapter.

NO FLAMES ABOUT THE THREESOME/CHARACTERS/TOPIC ARE ALLOWED. GO EXPRESS YOUR ANGER ELSEWHERE.

Enjoy this...thing!

* * *

"It's bound tight enough, right?" Winry asked nervously, twirling her skirt nervously around at the mirror. "Because, you know, I don't want it to fall down in the middle of the aisle or anything and embarrass myself on my wedding day."

"Oh, don't worry," Riza said loftily, straightening Winry's bodice before adjusting her own. "I don't think it's going to fall down any time soon. And besides, if it did, I'm sure your future husbands would be very happy with the view." The older woman's lips twitched as she spoke, and she tried to conceal it by ducking her head down.

Winry flushed. "Riza! Solf and Envy are not perverts! I'm very sure they won't stare." She then turned to the doorway, where she could sense Pride was leaning against. "Your brother isn't the type to stare, right?"

Pride sighed and closed his eyes. "Of course he won't. He's a social idiot, so it's not like he goes around staring at nude bodies all day. And Kim—Solf won't do that either."

Winry stared at the little homunculus. "How would you know about Solf?"

"He was once my traveling companion, so I know how he thinks." Pride lifted himself off of the doorway and began to stroll back down the hall. "I'll go tell them that you look nice."

She smiled along with Riza. "Alright. Thanks, Pride. I think." Then she turned back to Riza and glanced down at her waist. "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Riza sighed. "It looks fine, Winry. Why was Pride at the doorway, anyway?"

Winry digested this as her brow furrowed. "I…don't know, really. I don't know."

\/\/\/

"Stupid tie," Envy grumbled, wrestling his fingers through the cloth. "Stupid human ritual, stupid human priest, stupid humans—"

"Hey, hey, don't be like that," Kimblee chuckled. He had, to Envy's displeasure, already finished putting on his suit. Not so much to Envy's displeasure, he also looked extremely good dressed in black. "While I admit, the church and the priest are a bit overrated, it's for Winry's happiness. And you know, your fiancées are humans themselves."

Envy smirked while somehow managing to tangle his fingers near his neck. "I was referring to the _other_ humans, Kimblee."

The former Red Lotus Alchemist laughed. "Why, thank you."

The shape-shifter's smirk grew even wider. "You're welcome. Now come help me with this stupid tie."

"My pleasure." Striding over to where his fiancé was, he nimbly wove his fingers through the cloth and untangled Envy's fingers before finishing with a quick knot. "There. Now Winry won't hurt you with her wrench after the wedding's over."

Envy laughed. "But won't you protect me? You're also my fiancé, you know."

The man smirked. "I'm sure you'll manage. But just in case you don't make it through her reign of anger…" Slowly, he began to lean in towards Envy's lips.

There was a faint cough from behind them, and the men (well, one of them, the other being a homunculus) turned to see Pride leaning against the doorway of their room. Not surprisingly, neither of them looked the slightest bit embarrassed at their public display of affection.

"The ceremony is going to start soon," he said in his little kid voice. "Your future wife looks good."

Envy scowled. "Don't get any ideas, Pride."

The oldest homunculus sighed. "I won't, I won't. Besides, I'm stuck in a child's body—it's not exactly the best kind for picking up girls."

Kimblee smirked. "Yeah, too bad for you. Now go away, will you? We were busy."

"It's not best to engage in a make-out session before your shared future wife comes back into the picture," Pride shot back. "I doubt she would be very pleased with that."

Envy sighed, and proceeded to untangle himself from Kimblee's grasp. "All right, fine. We won't. Now get off of our backs, will you?"

Pride rolled his big eyes before proceeding to leave. "Gladly. Little brothers…" His voice faded away as he clacked down the hall, little black coattails sailing out from behind him.

\/\/\/

"Oh, my dear, I'm so happy for you! Such handsome men too! It is such a shame Pinako isn't here to see this."

Winry laughed nervously, backing away from the crowd of women pressing around her. "Well, yes, I feel rather lucky as well. Now if you'll excuse me—"

"Dear, why do you have two fiancées? Surely you can afford to spare one?"

"I love them both equally and they love me as well too much for any of us to let go, now may I please—"

"You lucky girl! At least allow me to—"

"All of you, I need to go find my future husbands, so if you'll excuse me please!" Storming back through the crowd, she began searching through the crowd of people gathered everywhere. _Good grief_, she thought, thunderstruck, _is the whole military here? And the homunculi too! And—_

Her heart stopped. _Dear God, even Envy's father is here._

It was true. The hermit was being pushed in a wheelchair by a rather reluctant looking Wrath, the former Fuhrer, and was currently talking to a (also reluctant looking) Greed (was he Greed or was he Ling? She could never really get a hold of that logic). Winry stifled a laugh. Those poor, poor soon-to-be-her-relatives. It must be so embarrassing, pushing around their invalid father.

Suddenly, there was a hand on her shoulder and she shrieked, turning around to spy a smirking Envy right behind her.

"Wow," he said, smirking, "You look great."

"So do you," Winry giggled. "Where's Solf?"

"He's somewhere pigging out at the snack table," Envy snorted. "Apparently, he didn't eat breakfast or lunch."

"Really? Why?"

Envy grinned. "He's more nervous than you think. I mean, he's almost thirty and he's never been married before. What a dweeb."

Winry frowned. "But you're over a hundred and you've never been married. I don't think that you have the right to call Solf a 'dweeb'."

"Touché." Envy pecked her on the side of her cheek, and she flushed. "Don't worry—that's only the beginning. Just wait till the time we get to kiss."

Winry laughed. "Good. I wouldn't want that to be it." Then she reached up and kissed him under his jaw before letting go. "Now, I need to go find Solf, if you don't mind. Oh, and your father is here. You might want to go talk to him. He came here in a wheelchair being pushed by Wrath, of all people. You must be pretty important to him."

Envy nodded, looking just a bit dazed, and hugged her. "Uh, sure. Okay. But I won't be friendly to him."

Winry looked at him patronizingly from inside his grip. "Please, Envy? Try? You know he's a hermit and dying. At least say hi."

Envy sighed and let go of her. "Fine, I'll go. Just don't expect me to be happy about it."

"Just do it," Winry said, patting her fiancé's cheek before picking up the bottom of her skirt and running as fast as she could in her black high-heels to the snack table.

"Solf!" She called out to the man at the corner of the table. She almost laughed when he jumped and swiveled around, golden eyes wide and guilty with a shrimp tail sticking out of the corner of his mouth. Luckily, his suit wasn't stained with shrimp sauce.

"Hey," she said, pulling up beside him and picking up a shrimp herself. Sticking it in the corner of her mouth, she mumbled, "So, is today not only our wedding day, but shrimp-in-your-mouth day too?"

Kimblee laughed, pulling out the flattened shrimp tail and tossing it into the convenient trashcan on the side. "No. I'm just really hungry. I didn't—"

"—eat breakfast or lunch, I know. Envy told me." Even though she knew it didn't really suit her, she smirked slightly. "More nervous about our wedding than you anticipated?"

"No. Getting married to two people is perfectly fine with me. Who said I was nervous?"

"Envy."

"He can never keep a secret," Kimblee muttered under his breath.

Winry laughed softly and hugged him. She inhaled deeply, smelling ash and cologne mixed together in the cloth and skin. "Well, you still love him, don't you? And besides, I bet he's a lot more nervous than he's letting on, too."

Kimblee smirked and hugged her back. "Yeah, I bet he is. And I love you too, don't forget that."

She smiled. "Good. I wouldn't want to feel left out, you know." She reached up and pecked him on the cheek before wriggling out of his arms. "I forgot to tell you—you look great. Very handsome."

"And you look great too." Kimblee smirk widened as he looked her up and down. "Love the dress."

"Love the tie. Red is a very good color for you."

"Thanks."

A pattering of footsteps from behind made Winry turn around. "Riza," she said worriedly, glancing over the woman's disheveled appearance. "What's wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong," Riza gasped, breathing harshly. "It's just that the ceremony will begin in a few minutes, and we need you—" she pointed at Kimblee— "—and Envy to be there at the altar. Where's your best man? Did you guys decide?"

Kimblee rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "See, we don't have one."

Riza and Winry collectively blanched. "You're joking! You're joking, right? You've got to be joking," Riza said, looking positively furious.

"Well, no, we're not. It turns out that when you're a former mad bomber and a homunculus, you don't really have a best friend to call a best man." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Winry."

Winry, who had felt like smacking her fiancé, now felt her heart soften back up. Kimblee never said sorry unless he really meant it.

"It's fine, Solf, I understand," she said, sighing. "But now what? Riza is my Maid of Honor, so that's solved, but what about the best man? Can we find someone around here who can play the part?"

Riza looked deep in thought before snapping her fingers. "How about Roy?"

"No," the two fiancées said in unison.

"Definitely not him," Winry said, shuddering.

"Alright. Then how about Edward?"

"No," Kimblee said angrily. "Not him."

"Why not?" Winry asked, surprised. "I thought you like Ed."

"I just don't think he's suited to be the best man," Kimblee growled. "Besides, we're not on very good terms."

Riza looked stumped. "Havoc?"

"No."

"Fuery?"

"No."

"Falman?"

"God, no."

"God damn it! Alphonse! Alphonse Elric!"

"What about Alphonse?" Envy asked, popping up behind Riza.

"We're wondering if he can be your best man," Riza explained patiently.

Envy thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Oh, yeah, he's fine. 'Bout you, Kimblee, Winry? What do you think?"

Kimblee nodded. "He's fine."

Winry clapped her hands in delight. "Excellent! Now where is Alphonse?"

Riza pointed to over by the floral display, where Alphonse was conversing with his elder brother. His light blond hair shone in the sun, and Winry felt a surge of pride at the fact that he had a normal body now and that he was so happy. "Over there. You might want to hurry. The official ceremony starts in about two minutes." And then, as fast as a woman in high heels could, she raced back into the chapel.

\/\/\/

Five minutes later, as everyone was settling down in their seats, the music began to start. Kimblee and Envy stood by the altar, looking handsome in their black suits. Kimblee actually looked more nervous than he had before; Envy just looked frightened out of his wits.

The chapel doors opened and in came the Bridesmaids, dressed in red. As they went by, Envy leaned over and whispered to Kimblee, "Who chose the colors?"

"I did," Kimblee muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "You have a problem with it?"

"No. It looks good."

"Thank you—"

"Shh!" From across in his seat, Ed shot dagger-eyes at the two of them, daring them to keep talking.

They shut up.

Finally, in came Winry with Riza by her side holding her arm.

The two men could only gawk. Winry looked…fantastic. The white dress, which they hadn't really seen clearly outside, flowed out across the carpet and tile, making a sea of white. In her arms was the bouquet of flowers, contrasting against her pale arms in pink and yellow. Her blue eyes stood out clearly against the white of the veil and for a moment, both men were star struck. Later when they tried to describe the moment, they couldn't. They just couldn't.

Riza, smiling, let go of Winry's arm when they reached the altar and stepped off to the side.

There was silence for a few moments. Everyone looked around and whispered for a few moments before finally, Envy blew out a long sigh and hollered, hand on his hips, "All right, I have no idea how any of us missed this, but where the hell is the priest?"

"I—I don't know," Riza said, glancing around them as the whispers, faint at first, grew stronger and stronger until it was a loud hum. "I guess he couldn't make it and we just didn't notice."

Winry groaned. "How could we have missed this? A priest is one of the most crucial parts of a wedding. We should have noticed that he wasn't there, damn it."

Kimblee looked deep in thought. Then, his eyes brightened and he leaned over, whispering in Envy's ear.

The homunculus blanched. "No! Absolutely not!"

"Oh, come on. It won't hurt."

"There is no way I'm doing that at my own wedding, Kimblee."

"Please. I mean, really, it's not that hard. All you have to do is read out of a book, replace the 'twos' with 'threes', and then you'll be able to kiss our bride. Trust me, it's not going to be that hard."

Envy glared. "Fine." Stomping up to the podium, he cleared his throat before shape-shifting into the form of the very priest who was supposed to arrive here today. Kimblee gestured for Winry to come over by the podium with him and she, slightly confused, stepped over with him.

The priest, or Envy, cleared his throat again and picked up the bible. "Our lovely…" He stopped, looking back up at Kimblee. "What do I replace 'couple' as?"

Kimblee sighed. "Just make something up."

Envy scowled. "Fine." Again, he cleared his throat. "Our lovely threesome gathered here today—"

There were some collective gasps from the crowd. Envy looked exasperated. "It's not that bad, people. Jeez." Taking another deep breath, he began again:

"Our lovely threesome gathered here today are to be bound in holy matrimony. We promise to love, nurture, and respect each other throughout our relationship, and—"

"Wait," Winry interrupted, still whispering as she peeked at the Bible. "You're just making stuff up as you go, dear?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Blame Kimblee. Moving on. We promise to love, nurture, and respect each other throughout our relationship, and while we can't promise you that we won't fight—I mean, come on, what relationship doesn't have a fight here and there—, we promise to always, always say that we're sorry in the end. We will protect each other in the ways that only we can, and we always will reach out a hand for each other in the end." Taking a few deep breaths, he continued. "Now for the vows. Kimblee, you first."

Kimblee cleared his throat. "Well—" He stopped, waiting for Envy to shift back down into his regular form before continuing. "Well, I'm not really one for cheesy vows, so I'll make this quick. Winry Rockbell, I, Solf J. Kimblee, take you as my lawfully wedded wife from this day forth. I promise to be your companion, your friend, and your partner. I won't promise you that I won't act up with Envy once in a while. I mean, we're guys, guys act up. But I will promise you that I will respect your work, your words, and you. And I'll apologize once in a while too, to make it all better."

Then he turned to Envy. "Envy, I, Solf J. Kimblee, take you as my lawfully wedded husband. I give you the same promises and stuff that I gave Winry as well, only this time, I also promise to once in a while bake that really weird chocolate stuff that you like. And you too Winry, if you actually ever want it."

There was a ripple of laughter from the crowd as Envy replied dryly, "Nice to see that you can waste so much energy vowing to me."

Kimblee shrugged. "Hey, it saves time. Winry, your turn."

Winry took a deep breath. "All right, so, since Kimblee gave his vows to me first, I'll give my vows to Envy first. Envy, I, Winry Rockbell, take you as my lawfully wedded husband. I promise that I will be your companion, your friend, and your partner. I promise to leave you alone when you're in too much of a bad mood, and I promise along with Solf that I will bake that chocolate stuff for you when you want it, though I can't promise that I won't eat some of it too. That stuff is really good, you know?"

She turned to Kimblee. "Solf J. Kimblee, I, Winry Rockbell, take you as my lawfully wedded husband. Like you, I'll save time by saying that I give you the same vows as I gave Envy, and with you, I'll try to buy some fireworks every year so that we can watch them blast off into the sky." She smiled. "Envy, your turn."

Everyone in the room turned expectantly towards the homunculus, who seemed paralyzed with fright.

"Come on," Lin (or, at the moment, Greed) muttered under his breath. "You can do it, big brother."

Pride and Wrath breathed in and out slowly and prayed silently to themselves that their brother wouldn't embarrass himself.

Father only waited patiently for his son to finish hyperventilating, hands in his lap.

Ed nudged Roy and muttered, "This ought to be good."

Envy cleared his throat a few times. He tugged at his collar a bit. Sweat trickled down his neck. Some people swore after the wedding that they actually heard several crickets chirp in the background.

"Um," he said awkwardly. "Okay. As I'm not too good with sappy vows either, I'll try to make this really quick. Solf J. Kimbley, Winry Rockbell, I, Envy, take you two as my lawfully wedded husband and wife. While I can't promise you all the things that you promised me, even when I know I don't really deserve them, and while I can't promise you that I'll always be understanding and compassionate and—stuff, I can promise you that in the end, I'll always come back to you guys for forgiveness and always hope that you do. Oh, and, um, I also promise to sometimes find some good auto-mail for you, Winry, and to find some good, explosive material for you, Kimblee." He breathed in deeply. "And I'll always love you guys. Always."

Envy cast his eyes down and, before anyone else could say anything, he picked back up the Bible and read, awkwardly, "And now we can all kiss each other. Yeah."

And kiss they did. Kimblee swept both of his lovers to his chest and smirked before kissing them both full on the lips.

Riza cheered and soon, everyone in the chapel was standing and clapping. Al had tears in his eyes and was smiling joyfully. Even Ed and Roy were standing and smiling.

Father, as he couldn't stand, sat there in his wheelchair, smiling and clapping along with everyone else.

"So," Winry whispered to her newly wed husbands, "This is it. We're married."

Envy smiled, kissing her before replying. "Yeah. Just wait till the honeymoon."

Winry laughed, kissing him back before reaching up and kissing Kimblee. "Can you believe that just four years ago, we all met?"

Kimblee smirked. "I still remember when I found Envy absolutely detestable."

"Yeah, and I remember when I thought that you were a self-centered, conceited jerk. And I remember when I found Winry annoying."

After hitting him playfully, she sighed. "Yeah, but we all came to love each other, right?"

"Right," Kimblee said, chuckling. "You know, there's still the after party and dancing to go through. This wedding is not over yet."

Envy laughed. "We know."

Their bride smiled and held out her hands to both of them. "Ready?"

They took them, one by one, and turned to face the cheering crowd of family and friends.

"We're ready."


End file.
